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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Grudge Tuesday: The Grudge That Wouldn't Be

Mother and Child
Originally uploaded by Green Kitchen.
I have been waiting to grudge about my father for awhile because I didn't want to have every grudge be about my family. This is the man that hasn't cared to meet my children, his only grandchildren, until recently. Like today, for example, he met my oldest son for the first time. They got along well. It was pretty uneventful. Thank goodness a four-year-old doesn't know how weird it is that he had never met his grandfather — a grandfather that lives in the same town! The baby got to meet dear ol' dad a little earlier because he was allowed to go to the reconnecting-after-six-years dinner, since he is still a wee bairn attached to my boob. Hey, at least my father has always been pro breastfeeding. Anyway, it's a long weird story about generational dysfunction, which I won't bore you with. But, damn him for taking the wind out of my grudge.

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Blogger Blaize said...

I'm with you on the ruined grudge. Why, oh, why, won't people just be unadulterated jerks so that I can HATE them unconditionally? Ah, heck, who am I kidding? I never let a little contradiction get in the way of my hate. I just pretend people I dislike are complete jerks who kick puppies and have no redeeming qualities. This lack of nuance is why I will never win a Peace Prize of any kind.

I admire your ability to be more balanced than I.

Tue Dec 26, 11:58:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Krista said...

I was shocked to read how similar your story is to mine. When you don't talk about things, you convince yourself your the only one after a while...
Not sure that I hold a grudge, or that I've just completely desensitized and rationalized myself out of giving a crap, or I just plain don't have the energy, but it seems I don't think about it too much anymore.
My dad lives a block away. He's never met my last two kids, and stopped visiting my oldest when he was 3 years.
Generational Dysfunction the underlying cause, as you've said.
It's just bloody weird though, isn't it?

Wed Dec 27, 07:28:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my. At least this gives me hope since it seems I may be facing a new go-round with my own Dad who is offended easily and punishes grandly. It's awful though when your kids get slighted too and all they did was get born.

(I have recently offended my Dad but I'm pretending nothing's changed.)

Wed Dec 27, 10:57:00 AM PST  
Blogger AmberCake said...

Man, it really is the worst when they ruin your grudges. Really really.

And since my Mr. keeps blabbing about the blog to everyone, so I can't really post my family grudges there, I'll share here in your comments.

What up with all the frigging parents who think they're entitled to grandchildren they will almost never see or bother themselves about. "Hi, I'd like to demand that you change every iota of your life as you have known it, so that I may have an annual picture for my refrigerator to which I can point while exclaiming 'That One Is MINE!'" "Hi, my inner child loves Disney and I've collected every film they've released to VHS in the last 15 years so it's your DUTY to have a child that I can give these to." I mean, it makes me want to:
Fake kids. Send photoshop preggo pics, pics of other people's kids, never visit them again. Maybe eventually the fake children will die or run away.
Scream at them about trying for years already and miscarriages and fertility doctors (none of which is true) or early rapes and 'how-could-I-into-this-terrible-world (also none true). Just to point up what a bunch of insensitive jerks they're being.
Sock it back to them: "OH, I should have kids, right, so that I can send a picture to you and you can put it on the fridge and send foods that they're allergic to - like the stuff you send us now? That your son is allergic to, still, no really, after more than 300 visits to allergists that you took him to? So I should have kids so you can poison them and give them your Disney collection and so you can insist on calling every month to tell me about how you'd like to visit but you just can't and maybe once a year you'll make that 4 hour drive?"

Probably I will keep foaming at the mouth about this and then Mr. Mr. will tell his 'rents how they should shut up already and they'll apologize and then what? Exit wind from sails. Dammit.

Wed Dec 27, 01:07:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that picture speaks volumes!

Wed Dec 27, 07:45:00 PM PST  
Blogger futuregirl said...

I'm always frustrated that people can't always be ALL bad ...

But, in this case, I vote that it makes him even *worse* that he's now mending his relationship with you. If he kept his distance out of evilness until he died of old age, alone and bitter, you could at least admire his resolve and point to his willful malevolence as the cause.

Now that he's decided to come back into your lives, it seems criminal that he squandered the joy of the last 6 years. For what?

But I, like Blaize, relish my ability to hate.

On the other hand, it's heartwarming to know that your littles are having drama-free meetings with their Grandpa. There's something heartwarming about that. And maybe this will be the start of the end of all the generational dysfunction.

Wed Dec 27, 08:12:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there, I am new to the blog and wanted to chime in to the generational weirdness - my mother didn't meet my son, her first grandson, until he was 10 months old (a drop in the bucket by comparison) and things have always been a little strained between them - he is now 14 and towers over her. People are strange and family members strangest of all.

Wed Dec 27, 09:11:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I think that more dads then not seem to do this. It is hard to be angry and resentful and then at the same time want so desperately for that person to 'see' you.

I too wonder about my father.

Fri Dec 29, 02:05:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mother in law has never seen or talked to my youngest son. He's 8 years old. We have offered to send her a plain, train, or even a bus ticket to come out and visit but always has some excuse. She has now told us that she will be out in 3 months to visit and see the kids. I'm not holding my breath for that one. She's said that before and has yet to show up.

Sat Dec 30, 07:37:00 PM PST  
Blogger katie said...

trying to understnd families will drive you crazy - every family i know has a weird thing like you describe goin on - mine is just as bonkers and unfathomable. So don't try and enjoy your friends instead - you CAN choose them!
Happy New Year

Sun Dec 31, 01:54:00 AM PST  
Blogger elizabeth said...

wow! finally i found someone who has a dad just like mine (and a paternal grandmother just the same, except unfortunately, she hasn't made it to the box in the laundry room yet).

i know this is an old post, but when i was scrolling through your archives and found it, i was like "yes", not everyone has the perfect "daddy". there is someone else that got the shitty end of the stick like me.

Thu Mar 15, 02:25:00 PM PDT  

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